Saturday, February 20, 2016

I Have Embraced the Flame, Forever & Ever


I had to share the lyrics in this beautiful song with you.
It brought tears to my eyes, but not for the reasons you might think.
I am able to sing these words now with so much gratitude in my heart.
I will never allow anything to ever take this away from me.
It is mine.
It is powerful.
It can also be yours.

Lyrics "Heaven" by Depeche Mode


"Heaven" Depeche Mode


If your journey has been an arduous one, PLEASE know that I have walked (sometimes crawled, literally) down the same path.
I was ready to permanently end the journey in order to stop the pain.
It was all consuming.
My judgement had become questionable, at best. 
Which was really frightening considering it was never stellar from the get-go.

That being said, and with approximately one ounce of strength left in me, I finally reached out for the help I needed. 
Not to a lover, a friend or a family member. 
Nope.
This gal knew she was in dire need of the type of assistance that only a professional, with lots of degrees from prestigious universities hanging on their office walls, could provide. 
Well, that and the fact that I had pretty much sucked the life out of everyone around me.
I managed to exhaust a lot of wonderful people who loved me. 
I can be quite unlovable. 
Some of them left my life, never to return.
They'd endured years of not only my depression, but my self created, endless dramas. 
I had to find an alternative to the life I was living and I use the word LIVING very loosely.
I could not handle one more day of the never ending loop of disappointment, sadness and regret that had become my life.



These lyrics speak to my life as it is now rather than just being some distant place I believed existed only for the "happy" people.
The depressed, the abused, the addicts & your all around fuck-ups weren't allowed to buy tickets to that destination, by the way.
It's amazing that the peace that was so unattainable to me is now my truth.
Don't misunderstand me...my life is not filled with lollipops & puppies and rainbows!

I have learned & put into practice better coping mechanisms.
I have accepted the fact that I can't "fix" the chemicals in my brain that are a little haywire.
And I am damn proud of me.

My wish is that YOU never give up hope.
Believe that your heaven is close by and I promise, you'll turn a corner.
It will always be waiting for you to take a step out of the darkness. Always.

Be fearless!

XOXO
Penny