Sunday, February 14, 2016

Heartbreaker, Don't You Mess Around With Me

Today is that special day of the year for us single people to revisit the carnage we left in the wake of previous relationships.
For better or worse, richer or poorer, I've always secretly loved the drama & chaos of a fabulous break up. 
If you are interested in experiencing the full gamut of your emotions, there's nothing quite like it. 
Swinging from anger to depression to elation and back to anger again. 

I especially enjoy instigating the break up after contemplating the purchase of a crock pot or discussing life insurance policies with my significant other. The mere thought of buying a home & being locked into a 30 year mortgage makes my skin crawl.

I've questioned this behavior of mine for many years now. Why do I actually derive more pleasure from ending a relationship than the initial dreamy, falling in love part?? Here is, based solely on my experiences, what I have been able to determine:

  • I hate monotony.
  • I suck at compromise.
  • I love adventure.
  • I require spontaneity.
  • I become paralyzed with fear at the possibility of losing my sense of self. I value personal autonomy. 

On the other hand, I love monogamy & long term relationships. These build trust and have allowed me to be myself completely with a partner. Unfortunately, I have never been capable of reconciling the things I cherish about long term anything with my personal "demons".

So where am I going with this you may ask? 
This loon seems seriously at odds with herself, right?
I've learned, after many missteps and heart wrenching, unhappy endings that my feelings are mine. They are justifiable & they are 100% real.
I don't give a shit about how others view them & I certainly don't need your unsolicited advice or approval.
I have experienced mind blowing highs & lows when I've been in love.
I wouldn't change one damn thing.

We should never allow ourselves to feel remorse over being a square peg that couldn't fit into a round hole. 
We can put up a helluva fight attempting to make it work out, but choosing to leave a partnership, that is no longer beneficial to one or both parties, can be the most fearless decision a human being can make. 

The relationships weren't at fault and neither were we. 
We must evolve, we must choose to embrace our emotions and our feelings as our truth
We can stop punishing ourselves. 
Seek out others who truly share your outlook on life.
Seek out those that "get you". 

I'll be able to recognize him now if I happen upon him.
I don't even know if he exists, but that's cool, too.
Settling is just no longer a viable option.

Happy Valentine's Day, to all of you beautiful heartbreakers!