Sunday, February 1, 2015

Death by Match.Com

Yes, I have gone on a couple of Match dates.
Yes, they both sucked.
And yes, one guy did show up (first date no less) with a bag of creams and lotions from Bath & Body Works as a gift for me which creeped me out to no end, as you can imagine.
So the Match experience was not a good one for me previously.

Tuesday night after a long and stressful day at the office I decided a few glasses of Pinot Noir were on the agenda. Off I wandered to a nearby establishment. Alone. As I sat at the bar inhaling my wine and crab cakes it is brought to my attention that there is a Match.Com mixer starting in this room in about twenty minutes. "Holy shit!" is my immediate response upon learning this surprising twist to my evening as I wipe pieces of shredded cabbage from my lips and request yet another glass of wine be brought my way.

First two men wander in. I eavesdrop on Hopeful Henry and Negative Ned much to my amusement. Henry feels this mixer is going to change his life. Ned? Not so much. No ladies have even come through the door yet and he's already poo-pooing the night to death. Ned has glasses on that make his eyeballs appear four times larger than they actually are and I cannot figure out for the life of me where he thinks he's headed with that shitty attitude of his! Henry, on the other hand, is a gentle, soft spoken man with a kind laugh and I appreciate his tolerance of Ned's negativity. Henry will be fine, even if he does seem a bit timid.

Scene of the crime

So I am taking it all in for about fifteen minutes mesmerized by how the place is filling up with Matchers! Pouring through the door! They are mixing it up; lots of chattering and ordering of cocktails. It's a fucking study in sociology for me!! As I suck down my second glass of wine I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman standing at the end of the bar. Alone. I realize I now have a mission.

"Why are you just standing here?" I inquire. "Because you've been to these mixers before and they suck?" Laughter. Jenny lets me know she has not had much success with these mixers or through the on-line dating site. She has found after several months that while some of the men are looking purely for companionship (friendship) not one has been interested in a relationship and that, unfortunately, is exactly what my new bestie has in mind and she isn't about to stop her search now.
I continue not quite certain where this is headed.
"I say we work this room! If you see someone you are even remotely interested in, we stop and chat, otherwise we just keep moving, ok?" My new friend Jenny seems to buy into this and off we go!
We spoke with 90% of the crowd including my conversation with lighting salesman Tom that ended with me reprimanding him: "Please stop staring at my rack."

The women clearly outnumbered the men three to one. I'd say since the room was at capacity, at least a hundred men and women turned out for the event. Impressive on a week night. I started grilling the women as they provocatively sucked on their straws (it was weird, really). My top question? "Why would you come to one of these mixers?" Hope was the numero uno response. These women continue to roam about our fine city never losing faith. They get off work, freshen up, reapply the make-up and head on over to the next event. Remaining ever hopeful as they coat those lashes with yet another layer of deep black mascara. 

Three hours and two more Pinot Noirs later I'm dying from boredom and outta questions. We form a Soul Train line and encourage those with the pleading  "Please help me escape this conversation" looks on their faces to join in. By far the most fun of the evening. Dancing truly does bring the people together! My new friend Jenny is dancing her ass off and chit chatting with everyone in a ten foot radius. My work here is done I think as I slip on over to the coat check girl who proceeds to confide to me that not one of these male "Matchers" has given her a tip tonight!! SAY WHAT? Cheap on top of boring sure isn't helping your cause, fellows!! 

On my way out I catch a quick glimpse of Hopeful Henry chatting up a pleasant looking, middle aged gal. (AND yes, she too is sucking on that straw for dear life!) Good for you, Hank, good for you!! Negative Ned is nowhere to be found. Hmmm....maybe attitude really is everything....especially at a mixer!!

Sending you much love & strength!

Your still single,