I can't write when I am uninspired. If I have a blah, nothing kinda week, what's there for me to say? Can I still pull something from deep inside of me to share with another? If I cannot hear my own voice am I still speaking?
This week it occurred to me that rather than always believing I am unhappy due to my depression (or perhaps being unhappy is the cause of my depression, who knows?) I may want to face the very real possibility that I am just sad. I'm fucking sad. I stare back at my reflection in the mirror and my eyes are dead. No more gleam and I think back to a time when I actually believed I possessed some sort of magic. I did. I used to believe that I was magical. Didn't we all long ago?
Not all of us are resilient. Some of us are ill prepared for the challenges life throws at us. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? No, sometimes it just kills you. On those days when reality slaps you upside the head you may not have the strength to pull through by yourself. That brings me to my next topic: Intentional alienation
Why do some of us choose to purposely withdraw?
I, personally, do it as a favor to others. Seriously, I don't think anyone should be forced to spend time with me when I'm feeling funky, blue or in one incredibly catastrophically foul mood. Unfortunately, my bad mood has been going on for about four years now, but that's really another story for another time! Lol.
Here's what I learned this week-I am looking forward to starting therapy in a few weeks. I have gone as far as I can go on my own and am looking forward to the support. I welcome it and you have to be honest with yourself and admit that sometimes you might need a little help :) The self help books, the inspirational videos and the meditation definitely make a huge difference, but I am hoping that through therapy I can see even more of a difference. I don't want to spend the vast majority of my life in a haze of sadness and negativity any longer. Unfortunately I can't see the trees through the forest right now or however the fuck that saying goes.
I am grateful that I have been able to admit that I am needing some guidance above and beyond my own capabilities and in my opinion a fresh perspective is exactly what I am needing in order to take my healing to the next level. After researching many doctors in my area I truly hope I made the right decision because I don't know about where you live, but there's a two to three month waiting list to get an appointment with a reputable doctor where I dwell. AND that's WITH private health insurance as some docs do not accept anything state funded. I also discovered that many doctors aren't accepting insurance period, cash only, people. I spent $450 out of my own pocket for one visit last fall as I was desperate to get an appointment and didn't feel I could wait the minimum amount of time to see someone in my PPO plan.
This experience with our health care system has caused me to think about how many people out there in similar situations have mental illness that goes untreated. How do they make it through some days I wonder!! When you are suffering from major depressive disorder, just doing an on-line search of doctors can be overwhelming. Trusting that once you begin seeing a therapist regularly that you have put yourself in capable hands is yet another can of worms. I plan on sharing my experience with you in my blogs in that respect.
My idea is to start a support group for those who are hanging on, waiting for that elusive doctor appointment. A place where you can roll in in your damn pajamas with no judgement. A group of people who completely get what you are feeling and are there for no other reason than to be supported and supportive....maybe not always on the same day!! A coming together of folks sharing their opinions on local doctors and medical assistance. Some days just watching a comedy with a bunch of other people who aren't really in the fucking mood to chit chat, but are in dire need of being around others. I'm thinking a yoga night, game night, meditation and a place to gather resources on getting the help you may be requiring. It is completely unfair how our health care system makes desperate people, who can barely make it through one more day, wait endlessly to get in to see a doctor. Ridiculous really.
So I am working on finding a space to hold these meetings. I can't stress how much value this type of group could possibly hold for so many others struggling. I cannot even begin to explain how beneficial a support group of this nature could be for me as well.
Asking for strength and good wishes to be sent my way (sending them right back to you!) in locating a space to conduct this group and SOON!!
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