Depression and mental illness effect every aspect of your life. Your job, your hobbies, your dreams, your relationships with friends, your marriage/partnership, your ambitions. I've had a front row seat to all of those things imploding. My illness has left much destruction in its wake.
Sifting through the rubble and attempting to decipher how much I am responsible for personally and what I can chalk up to the chronic depression, PTSD and dissociation, when things get really out of hand, has been a hindrance for me. This is such a grey area. I had a family member tell me I create my own dramas. This is not someone who can relate to staying in bed for a week because you cannot walk out of your house. You see absolutely no reason to do so. Impending doom and hopelessness permeate your every pore. At times even my hair follicles have appeared depressed for God’s sake!
I’m all about integrating my past fuck ups and reconciling them with reality. I’m slightly obsessing over my upcoming Christmas trip and what exactly I hope to accomplish with my emotional healing work. I want this time spent away to be about recognizing what I had no power over in my past and where I stand moving forward. I am sick of being terrified to reach out and allow myself to be in another relationship. I feel much healing and forgiveness has occurred over the past four years, but there’s still something nagging at my soul that needs to come out like a 3 headed demon!!
I’m almost there. I’m ready to take the next step, wherever that will lead me. I surrender any doubt or fear I still hold as truth and realize that learning to trust in myself again has become the number one priority for me.
Sending much love and strength to each of you!!