Metaphorically speaking, of course. For a year that’s what I thought Adele was singing. The sick part is, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with that lyric. And I still belt out my version whenever I hear it. “I set fire to your brain. Watched it burn as I called your name.” That’s right, Adele, I’m way darker than you could ever dream of being.
My question to you is this: Have you ever delighted in “setting fire to someone’s brain”? How about having someone set fire to your brain? Perhaps that’s more up your alley. Are you the sadist OR the masochist?
I’m curious about this after witnessing the many different dynamics that exist and keep relationships together, mine and others-
You've got your safe, practical, save every dime we make couplings.
The we split all the bills 50/50 partnership including our date night.
The pampered queen who quits her job the day after she gets engaged.
The turn the tables on tradition female who busts her ass working 60+ hours a week while the husband stays home to raise the kids.
The very boring, but great mother/father to my children unions.
The we don’t want any kids, best friends kinda people.
The I have no clue how they even got together, couldn't have less in common pairs.
The over the top, drama filled break ups, make ups.
The they like each other, seem to get on nicely, but no devastation emotionally if the other were to die suddenly...life goes on.
The routine couples, dinner at 6 p.m., lights out by ten, Saturday morning grocery shopping, church & kids’ soccer games on Sunday.
And sooo many more!
I have something I like to refer to as the “What Number are You Going in at Love Scale, Levels 1-4”. You should know about this as it’s VERY important shit. You need to decide what number you are capable of going in a relationship at. You should also examine the truth in your heart and determine what you can live with because even if you do end up divorced or splitting from your significant other, you are still going to have to live with the consequences of your prior actions. They unfortunately don’t disappear with your spouse/partner.
#1- The “Sensible” Union
Or the options were quite limited union (no other options were available to you is probably more like it.) when initially setting out to find a mate. Maybe both? These are those couples you see in a restaurant that sit across from one another and say NADA throughout the meal. Look around next time you are dining somewhere, you’ll see them. They eat in complete silence, pay the bill, ride home together in more silence, once home they turn on the television and keep that silence rolling along until bedtime. These couples knew they really had nothing to say to the other about 40 years ago, about a week after they got married. So what did they do? Well, they started having babies!! Children kept them busy for 25 years. Actually those kids are the only things these two will ever have in common.
Maybe this union is formed due to an obligation. Religious? Your parents expected you to marry this person. It was the right thing to do, you got her pregnant. Various reasons, but none of them had anything to do with “If I don’t see you again I am absolutely going to die.” sort of passion. All I know is happiness is not radiating off of these people. Staying married is just something they do, like brushing your teeth or taking out the trash.
These couples don’t even think about divorcing. They are more the “This is the hand I was dealt” types. Besides who would they watch 60 Minutes with every Sunday night or hit up the local diner with on Saturday mornings for their silent breakfast if not with each other?
Basically all you’re doing for 60 years or so is waiting on death. On the upside, when you get really old and ill you’ll have someone around to make your funeral arrangements. So that’s something.
#2- The “Practical” Union
His family has lots of money, he’ll make a great provider and you my dear can quit that job you despise because you're on to bigger and finer things as a Trophy Wife.
She’s super duper sweet, everyone adores her! (except you can’t remember the last time you wanted to drag her off to the car and have wild sex simply because you couldn't wait until you got home to do it) She will provide a stable home life for you and your future children.
Or the let me try to go in the opposite direction union. Your new man is a workaholic, fitness freak and the complete opposite of your ex-husband who was an avid stoner you had to beg just to get off the sofa so you could vacuum up all the potato chip crumbs that surrounded his body like a chalk drawn crime scene outline. Downside? New guy is as boring as all fuck.
Ex-wife was a bit of a whore and left you for your co-worker? Well, how about you give it a whirl with a Born Again Christian brunette? So what if you’re an atheist and only dig blondes! She’s got a pretty nice ass from what you can tell what with all those flowing skirts she’s always wearing! This one won’t EVER leave you!
You don’t care if they cheat (discreetly of course) because the benefits this marriage/partnership provides you with far outweigh the pitfalls. You have a million dollar home in an affluent suburb, respect of the community, you have three cars sitting in your driveway, you shop at only the best stores, your kids want for nothing. You just got your boobs done for the 2nd time. Good for you!!
She’s a fabulous mother, a gourmet cook, she teaches a Hip Hop dance class in your all white suburban neighborhood to other, all white suburban, middle aged soccer moms and is always the first to offer her help to anyone or anything in need. Everyone loves her! Again, except you because you’re still pining over the girl you left behind twenty some years ago to marry this one. “She’ll always take care of me.” I believe were someone’s exact words when I asked why they chose to remain married to their spouse. Okey dokey then…..
This group represents the “you can’t always get what you want, but if ya try sometimes, you just might find...you get what you need” types. They are more than willing to make some concessions on what they hold true as being right or wrong, morally speaking or just in their heart of hearts. They are willing to trade those things for the stability that union provides because that is what they most value. We all have our priorities! No one is too upset when the other falls ill in this partnership or leaves the other one. This was never a be all, end all kinda love. It was what it was. Each party got something out of this and when the other is gone, sure it’ll be sad but no one is committing suicide here over their loss. More like a vacation in Bermuda to grieve on the beach.
LINK- PART 2- I Set Fire to Your Brain