Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I'll Do Anything For You

We just hooked up last night, but yeah, sure I’ll give you a lift to check in with your probation officer tomorrow. No, it’s cool...I’m on vacation all week and I know you don’t have a car. Not a problem.

And so it begins. Your own personal Jesus. That’s me.

I can see all the wonderful, kind, generous, loving things that every woman prior to me simply did not have the ability to look deeply enough to find hidden within you. 
I can look past the fact that you have little if anything to do with your children. 
I understand the reasons why you haven’t paid your ex-wife child support for ten years.

I see why you drink yourself into oblivion. 
I totally understand the reason you haven’t texted me in two weeks, it's because of your overwhelming guilt for still loving me for the past twenty years even though you married someone else and had your children with her, oops. 
I feel your pain as deeply as my own. It’s not your fault...you have been damaged by your parents! 
I forgive you for cancelling on me yet again because your kids need you to drive them somewhere and your wife is working, 
You are rarely there when I need you, but know I will continue to support you whenever possible.

You grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home with an alcoholic parent, your father abandoned you. I get it. I get it! 
Do you realize I accept all of your many, many, many flaws and love you in spite of them?? 
Or because of them, I don’t really know. I don’t really know because unfortunately for me I have never been in a healthy relationship. 
I've caught glimpses of what may have held the possibility of being lovely unions and couldn't run fast enough to get out of them.

This is the only way I know how to love. 
You broken fucks are the ones I choose to bestow my undying love and admiration upon. 
Because I myself am a broken fuck.

Let me hold you, love you, move in with me after the first time we have sex. Please, let me do more... like cook for you, do your laundry, post bond money and pay off bookies you owe. Cancel my plans and pick you up anywhere when you’re too loaded to drive your own car, take 2 a.m. phone calls from you when you’re incoherent and tell you everything is going to be all right, continue, year after year, to tell you how much faith I have in you and all of your untapped potential while you sit slurring your words in the car seat next to me calling me a sap.

Forget all of my own interests and learn everything about yours, pawn my engagement ring at Christmas time so we can buy your kids presents because I refuse to disappoint them, hire attorneys to get you released from yet another old warrant you had out on you. 
Stand by and watch you continue to vacation with your wife, while I patiently wait for you to pay me a two hour visit. 
Let you use my car, my body, my money, my credit, my family, my friends.
Use it all up. It’s all yours, my love.

And when there’s no more me left I’ll decide I have to leave you. And then I’ll regret it and want you back. I miss the drama I suppose. I miss the sex, that’s for sure. I’d miss our deliciously co-dependent relationship like I’d miss oxygen if I were ever to be deprived. 
Then I’ll want to escape again, but this time I’ll do something horrific in order to really hurt you just to guarantee you’ll never forgive me and come back. Why? Because I know I’m not strong enough to NOT allow you back into my life and being with you is killing me. It is literally killing me. 
You are my drug of choice. I would mainline you if possible. 
I need to make certain this split is of the permanent kind.

And then I’ll regret that as well and want you back again, but some things there’s just no coming back from. Some deeds are just unforgivable even to the unforgiven. And trust me, I KNOW what your Achilles’ Heel is, your every insecurity, what you couldn't bear to lose. I know how to make you stop loving me.
I know your every flaw and weakness because don't you recall?....those are all the things I initially fell head over heels in love with you for. All of those awful, tragic things that caused you to suffer for so many years before we met, I was going to love right out of your life….instead I gave them to you tenfold as a parting gift.

So, in the process of trying to put you back together, I completely shattered not only you, but myself as well. Now we are both more fragmented than when we met each other. I carry the enormous guilt of treating someone I claimed to love unconditionally just like everyone else did who caused them past pain. 
This is now my pain, too. My inability to just admit I could no longer stand to be smothered in this relationship, to leave you with my integrity intact and to treat you with the respect that any human being is deserving of is what haunts me. 
I am ashamed by my actions and am left to believe that I do not know how to love.

How do you love??