The line repeated at the end of The High Road by Broken Bells "It's too late to change your mind, you let loss be your guide." can easily be processed as something quite negative by your belief system. I know that was my perception the first few times I heard it. Then I had an epiphany! Sometimes the pain of your collective losses is exactly what one needs in order to get clear. And there's no way to ever see life any other way again. You begin to see it for what it really is most of the time....a series of diversions. Be it religion, having children, your art, career, sex, drugs or any of so many numerous distractions readily available to you.
So many people mentally beat the shit out of themselves for wasting years with someone they believe they were never meant to be with, end of story. Throughout the time I was married, no matter how in love I thought I was, I would occasionally catch sight of this "light" flickering in the distance. I continually ignored it, but I'm starting to feel like that light may have just been ME. It was life as it was to be if I could just allow it to happen. Instead I chose to stay in something (Hey, when I said "I do" I was ALL the way fucking in.... til death do us part. No joke.) by daily convincing myself that it was me who needed to adapt and change in order to fit into my new role as a wife. And while I did love my ex-husband, no two people were more ill suited for one another than the two of us....except maybe Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. I mean wtf was that all about??
Anyway, here's some tips on things to do to make the time pass in your unhealthy, frequently unsatisfactory relationship. Enjoy.
Ten Things to Do to Destroy Yourself Slowly in a Relationship:
#1-Forget about everything you ever enjoyed doing. Simply throw all of your interests in a box, stuff it in the back of a closet and start learning in great depth all about what your partner is into. Involve yourself 110% in all of their hobbies.
p.s. If you want to know how to bet on a sporting event...I'm your girl. I know everything there is to know about football, pro and college. I can also read a racing form better than most degenerates at the track. Kudos....my partner was so impressed with what a quick study I was!
#2-Become completely dependent on them to meet all your wants & needs. Let your partner drive you to work, pick you up, stand in line at Starbuck's everyday and get your coffee for you while you sit in the car. You get what I'm saying. Forget how to do things for yourself. Don't you need a break after all?? Plus doesn't that mean they REALLY love you???
#3-Side with your partner against your family and friends. Enough said.
#4-Be pissed off at them for being an apple. That's right, an apple. You wanted to marry an orange, but chose an apple instead. Now you spend your time banging your head off a wall because they can't be an orange. You picked the wrong fruit, honey. Not the apple's fault...they're just being an apple!!
#5-Stop calling and seeing your friends.
#6-Say that you are just fine with their decision of not wanting any children. You want them to be happy and God forbid you were to stress your partner out by making them responsible for not only a spouse, but a spouse AND kids. Oh, shit. That'd be too crazy!!
#7-Go nowhere (other than your office) unless the two of you are together.
#8-Make sure that the only way you're able to feel validated is through your partner. You are no longer capable of making sound decisions without their opinion.
#9-Cheat on your partner instead of admitting your discontent and then being able to leave with your dignity intact. Do it just to wound them so badly that you know they'll never really forgive you. It's your permanent way "out" of the relationship. That's some fun guilt to live with...you'll enjoy having flashbacks for years to come of the devastation in your partner's eyes when they found out how you had betrayed them. Better yet, maybe they'll lay it out in a letter to you so you can read over and over how you broke their heart.
#10-Don't move on. Try to make the relationship work by moving back in together a minimum of three times after the break up. You really don't let all the rage and ugliness out until that third time anyhow. Why hold that in? Let your partner know how many different ways their family is fucked up and how they sucked in bed...not in the good way either. Go for the jugular!! Good times.
It's too late to change your mind, you let loss be your guide...
Yes, you sure did and for so long you wish you hadn't.
Guess what though? Sometimes it takes an incredible amount of pain and loss to allow you to finally get it together. To finally wrap your thick skull around the fact that some changes were necessary.
Time passes, different thought patterns start to form, fresh outlooks on life in general. This is when forgiveness starts coming around. The realization that you did what you had to do to break free of the most co-dependent relationship you had ever been a part of in order to move towards that light makes it easier to bear.
All of the mind numbing lessons I have learned in my relationships remarkably turned out to be for my higher good. No years were "wasted" they were just a part of life's amazing learning curve. Every relationship you have ever been in was meant to be. You can stop beating yourself up now, ok?
I'm seeing that distant, flickering light almost everyday now, and it's getting closer as well as brighter.
Sending anyone pushing through pain & loss so much love, always.
**Check out the Broken Bells website...LOVE them!!
Broken Bells Music