Saturday, September 27, 2014

Turning Tricks Thursdays.....


One day you're eating croissants & sipping Belgian coffee (it was a damn good roast.) in a Soho cafe, next day you're snoozing out front of a Gold Coast Starbucks in Chicago. 
That's the funny, frightening thing about this life....ya just never know, do you?

Gold Coast/Chicago
photo by penelope

If you're like most Americans in this day and age, you struggle living paycheck to paycheck. There's those of us that chuckle when the topic of savings and/or investments gets brought up by some pompous nit wit over what would've been an otherwise pleasant dinner.

"Where do you have your money?"

"Well, I've got all forty of my hard earned dollars right here in this purse I couldn't afford, asshole, thanks for inquiring."

During my high school days my mother encouraged me every chance she got to take typing classes. She claimed it was an excellent skill to fall back on, whatever the fuck that means. I eventually relented and took typing 101 in summer school because it seemed like a super easy way to earn extra credit for an early graduation. I never wanted to be "stuck" working in an office and I assumed without that particular talent I'd lessen my chances of living out my life in a cubicle, photos of my husband and kids thumb tacked up on one of the 4 foot high cork boarded walls surrounding me eight hours a day. 
That was the equivalent of death for me. I still can't type without looking at the keys. 
I'm also a Dyslexic typist. Sometimes I type my own name incorrectly. (Just about everyday, ok?) I got an "A" in that typing class by the way. Ahhh...Catholic school!

S-A-V-I-N-G-S. Sounds so very lovely. I wish to acquire some savings. A rainy day fund, a what if I get fucked up and a bus hits me and I'm grossly disfigured and require 10 months of physical therapy kinda fund. Oh, and not the kind where I open an account, throw $200 in and 2 weeks later transfer that into my checking to cover my cell phone bill via my banking phone app. 
I long for the security that a 401k could provide me. That savings could calm my frazzled nerves in the middle of the night when I wake up, sweating profusely worrying again about money. 
Sometimes mine, but most of the time other people's money. You see I am a business manager. 
I manage money. I help you grow your business, which in reality, I have NO BUSINESS doing. None at all.

There's something missing in my life. Not love, not a big home in the suburbs or cars or cash. I am empty. So cliche! My soul tells me everyday in so many ways that this is NOT my path. It has become quite apparent since it began to manifest itself in physical ways over the past eighteen months. It becomes too real to ignore any longer. Whatever is going on internally, it has managed to gain my full attention...not an easy task fyi.

The past twelve months have been a quest to discover what it is I was supposed to actually do with this life of mine. I know this sure ain't it. I'm meditating (works), I'm following lots of wonderful spiritual teachers & most of all I'm reading...oh, am I reading! I've taken every effin "Which Career Should You Have" test known to mankind. They all say the same thing....therapist, psychologist, teacher, writer. 
Ironically, from the ages of four until twenty four, I had only wanted to enter into one of those exact professions at one time or another. Then those dreams faded into the sunset and it was time to face what would become my reality. Those careers required necessary discipline to follow through on the required education part. 
Much like getting & keeping the money for the savings, attending classes on the regular isn't one of my strong points. No self discipline. Well, a little, but not nearly enough for what would be required in order to complete eight years of schooling for my personal favorite-psychologist.

I spend hours over the course of a week fretting over the fact that most of the people I know (including myself) are merely a few paychecks away from croissants to concrete snoozing. It's not that far fetched really. 
Yes, money is a wonderful way to have a certain amount of freedom. (Those that have gone without understand EXACTLY what I'm saying) I like cash, but I have never been motivated by it. It's a good thing to have, don't get me wrong. I tell myself I'd be an absolute fool to walk away from some of these amazing gigs I have scored over the past sixteen years. Working for incredibly talented and creative individuals. People I have had equal amounts of respect and admiration for and knowing how rare that is to encounter.

My fear of the unknown (and of being incredibly broke, who am I fucking kidding??), my fear of failing at this age has paralyzed me. And yet continuing on in a career that makes me ill every morning, coming home and passing out from mental exhaustion and the sheer contempt I have for myself for failing to follow through on my education is eating me alive at this stage of the game. 
I have to make an epic move. No clue what that's gonna be....I just know that this is no longer an option for yours truly.

Follow me as I try to figure it out and deal with my ten thousand other issues (including how to pay for my therapy sessions I just started. I'm messed up, man. Sliding scale therapy wasn't cutting it, friends!)

Hoping to find the path that leads to the rest of my journey.....wherever that may be.



#Career #Journey #Peace #FindYourself #Love